Poverty has its advantages…

After an extended absence I would like to take this opportunity to reflect upon the state of the national economy. This morning I opened up cnn.com and nearly had a panic attack. Gas prices at record highs, the dollar in the shit can, talk of recession, unemployment surging to 5.5%… it’s enough to make a former economics student’s stomach turn. “We’re fucked,” I thought. I am reminded of the words of a co-worker of mine, who has a small arsenal of automatic weapons. When confronted with the reality that his AK-47 wouldn’t protect him when the hoards of government stormtroopers arrived, he replied, “oh, I’m not trying to protect myself from THEM… I’m trying to protect myself from YOU.” It’s 8am, I haven’t had any coffee, and I’m thinking… “Time to buy a gun and wait for the looters.”

But, about an hour later, my caffeine withdrawal headache had subsided, and I have a new perspective. I’m sure that my neighbors downstairs are feeling the pinch. They drive a Ford Escalade, subsist on diet coke and potato chips, and have state jobs in the social services sector. They must be sweating bullets. Each month I see credit card bills the size of dictionaries sitting in their mailbox. But as I look at the figures in my savings account passbook, I realize that the numbers are going up.

Poverty, it seems, has it’s advantages. Unable to afford anything better, I have a cheap, Korean-made, sub compact car. It doesn’t have a tape deck. Or a passenger side mirror. Or air conditioning. I pass on all of these features not because I feel they are unnecessary, oh no. I pass because I cannot afford them. And you know what? I ONLY HAVE TO FILL MY GAS TANK ONCE A MONTH! Suddenly, I love my little, shitty car. YOU TAKE THAT MIDDLE CLASS, SUB-URBAN MOTHERFUCKERS! You keep on whining about how filling the gas tank of your H2 impedes your ability to buy your kid’s Cinnamon Toast Crunch. I’ll be laughing all the way to the bank.

This may seem a little harsh. You may think, “how could you be so scornful of this comfortable, bourgeois society that we live in? Is not this the very goal that you wish us to achieve with your tidbits of oh-so-relevant financial wisdom?” Well my little darlings, let us be clear on one thing. I do not think that this a temporary financial bump in the road for America. I think that we are experiencing a paradigm shift. I think that we are beginning to feel the first pangs of just how un-sustainable a culture of mass consumption actually is. I think that when the dust has cleared, and we find ourselves living in Barack Obama’s liberal, tree-hugging, Utopian jizzporium (Obama ’08!), that life in America will be different. And it is you my little darlings, wearing your little hats as you gaze out of your shrink-wrapped windows, that will be best equipped to deal with that change.

So, chin up. Don’t panic. And watch out for looters.